Sunday, December 10, 2006

Miracle on Pleasant Street (part I)

Ext. Tree Farm - Midday - Winter 1978

A young Petula (nee Stacy) intently studies a potential Christmas tree while her family does embarrassing stuff on the periphery. She pulls out her Bonne Bell Lip Smacker(watermelon flavored) and applies it, as she concludes that the tree before her is indeed perfect.

Stacy: Oh Mummy! Daddy! Precious little brother of mine! Come quick, for I have found the perfect tree.

The family trudges over at a rate that's so slow they'll be lucky to arrive before New Year's.

Mother (in a voice that is clearly meant to be vexing): No sweetheart, that one is too large. Our ceiling is ten feet high, and that tree is easily fifteen feet tall. How about this nice one over here?

Stacy (reasonably): Your tree is stupid and ugly. I hate it-I hate it-I hate it.

The Lip Smacker-induced headache kicks in. Stacy starts to cry.

EXT. - A Bucolic Snow Covered Wood - Winter 2005

Stacy, having grown into a stunningly attractive woman, is walking into the woods with her husband to cut down a Christmas tree. She's wearing a handknit hat with bells that jingle as she walks, and she's aglow with holiday cheer.

Stacy (singing): Here comes Stacy Claus, here comes Stacy Claus, right down Stacy Claus lane...
Stacy (clearly unable to come up with any more lyrics): Here comes Stacy Claus, here comes Stacy Claus, right down Stacy Claus lane...

After fourteen choruses of this they come upon a clearing and look around. And then they continue on further because all of the trees look like crap. This happens three times.

Davis: Here's one that's not too bad.
Stacy: What? Do I look like Charlie Brown? That's a pine-scented twig.
Davis: Sigh.

More trudging.

Stacy: Hey - how about this one? I think it's perfect!
Davis: Sweetheart, that one is too large. Our ceiling is ten feet high, and that tree is easily fifteen feet tall. How about this nice one over here?
Stacy (reasonably): Your tree is stupid and ugly. But I am mature now and we can discuss a compromise.

Negotiations ensue.
They go with a fourteen foot tree that Stacy insists will fit, despite the obvious fact that it won't. The ever-handy Davis pulls out his trusty saw and cuts down the tree. He takes the trunk and the lead as they set out for the return trip.

Stacy (whining): My hands are cold.
Stacy (whining): My feet are numb.
Stacy (whining): Hey, this stupid tree is making it so I can't see where I'm walking.
Stacy (whining): Are we almost there?
Davis: Sigh.
They reach a small stream and start to carry the tree over a beaver dam.

Stacy: Have I mentioned that I'm freezing? Hey - slow down!

Stacy's foot slips through the dam and plunges into the icy water. The hypothermia kicks in. Stacy starts to cry.

INT. - Living Room - Later That Day

Stacy and Davis are on the couch eating Drake Funny Bones in an attempt to recover from the events of the day.

Stacy and Davis (in harmony): Let's never cut our own Christmas tree ever again.*


Voiceover: Tune in next time to see what our plucky heroine is going to do for Christmas 2006.

*Ok, technically, Davis may have said something more along the lines of, "Maybe you should stay home and I'll just get the tree myself next year." But there's really no need to nitpick.


Anonymous Old comments saved from HaloScan exodus said...

Wonderful screen play. Dickens would approve. I can easily visualize the voices of christmas trees past.
Dianne | 12.11.06 - 7:38 am | #

And that compelling scene is why I went aluminum and have never looked back! Cutting our own tree in the mountains sounds very romantic and festive at first but the more I think about it, it really just sounds really, really hard. And cold. Brrr.
Heidi | Homepage | 12.11.06 - 10:00 am | #

Our family variation has the husband cutting off the TOP of the tree to make it fit in the house....sooooo attractive.
may jane | Homepage | 12.11.06 - 10:35 am | #

Ah, that was my brother, my neice and myself last year tromping through the woods in Chelsea. I made my brother climb a 20 foot tree to cut the top 7 feet off because it was scraggly and ugly on the bottom but beautiful on the top!

I wish you much luck with the tree this year!
Tiffany | Homepage | 12.11.06 - 1:21 pm | #

If you were a grinch like me, you would develop a pine allergy and settle on an artificial tree of just the right height. No hypothermia either.
Gina | Homepage | 12.11.06 - 4:29 pm | #

When I said my husband cut off the top to fit, I mean he cut OFF the pointy star-point top of an already cut tree. So our tree was spoke-like on the top, many branches pointing out, no apex. Kind of like a large bottle-brush!
mary jane | Homepage | 12.11.06 - 9:20 pm | #

I can always count on you for a good chuckle, and I can totally visualize you and Davis on your Christmas tree romp. Can't wait for part two.
Cindy | 12.12.06 - 1:01 pm | #

I'm with Hiedi aluminum is the new (well vintage) ,fresh cut down Douglas Fir, and I could SO see it as a Petula aesthetic.That "here comes Stacy Clause" is catchy.
jungle dream pagoda | Homepage | 12.12.06 - 3:47 pm | #

6:04 PM, July 26, 2007  

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